On whether to have more children

When I think about the question of whether to have another child, I must think about the reality of the conflict I am in and where I am actually standing. I feel myself actually looking into the eyes of my possible child. His or her existence hangs in the balance while I debate over issues such as money, practicalities, my ability to sleep, morning sickness, and I realize that I am comparing the question of whether my child’s life is welcome to those temporary things. I am looking into the eyes of my child and he or she is looking back at me and waiting for the answer. And of course I can only answer a resounding “Yes! Of course you are welcome, I welcome you with open arms. All the rest is the grace of God anyway. I trust Him to give me what I need for you, and to give you what you need. We are all in his arms. To worry is to fail to trust Him fully. I welcome you, of course I welcome you! Come!”

What if I were to get into the future, into my comfortable post-children phase of life and look back and see that, well I decided not to have more children so I could have more money, or a cleaner house, or an easier life. Then how would I feel? But if I give my all now. If my house is a little messy, if my life is harder, if I never had the money or the leisure to go to Europe, then how would I feel? I think the children are the better choice. To get to the end and know youdi it all and that you have nothing you’d go back and do again, that you didn’t keep anything aside for yourself, but that you really gave everything, you laid down your life. Then you could die with peace, with fulfillment, having emptied yourself and poured out the love of christ and having had it flower into more love, more trust, more fruit. Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies…


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